An unlikely return to a lost thought...?

So here I am, 1,040 days later, looking back on what had flowed out of my mind for a few weeks while I tried to keep up with a journal/blog. It was something I had tried a number of times previously but always found myself falling off from it. Once again, I did the same thing with this...
But now I am wiping the dust of this project and hoping that this time I will have more heart and desire to follow through with it. Maybe having a tablet and keyboard will help me do that as now I am able to write my thoughts at most any time and place. But I guess only time will tell!

It's really interesting how life changes so much over almost 3 years. Since then I have lost my long term job at U.S. Bank (6 years), gone through 2 cars (currently on my 3rd), made new friends, collected unemployment for 8 months, worked on exterior house improvement with my mom's boyfriend, took two classes at C.O.D. for Graphic Design, and started working at Starbucks.

Like I said, things have changed, in both positive and negative ways. But that's life. Continuous up and downs, like a roller coaster ride. You must always take every experience as a learning experience, as we only grow from those.

In life though, there are some things you must learn from and let go. Others will affect you in such a way that you don't let go as maybe the lesson to be learned is not by you, but by someone else involved in the whole experience and maybe it is your purpose to help them learn. I feel like I might be involved in one of those right now and I am not giving up on it yet.

Let's see how I do on keeping up with this thing now.... Wish me luck.

An evening filled with MAE

Tonight was a night of nights. Oh man was it ever so amazing.

MAE(Multi-sensory Aesthetic Experience) was beyond what I could have imagined them to be.

I've listened to a lot of music in my life, but nothing as ever reached out to me and affected me in a way that MAE has. They have a song for any and every mood I've been through. I can count on them anytime of the day to lift my spirits.

It is upsetting to know that this was my one and only concert I saw them at. I really didn't want it to end...

It does feel like a piece of me has died inside. To know that I won't be hearing anything new from them anymore or being able to see them live again.....it sucks, a lot.

I'm just glad I was able to see them tonight...and I'm glad Dave is such a wonderful person to have played an acoustic set out back on the staircase AFTER the show.

Overall, tonight was more than I expected it to be...

and I feel absolutely amazing. 

Even if the band never comes back together or produces another song together, I have all their music on cds and my ipod...so they'll be with me on all my life experiences and journeys.

They always have a song to fit the situation.

Thank you for everything you've given me MAE. You're forever appreciated. Thank you.

What makes us so much greater?

Driving home from work today, after a long stressful day, I noticed a dead animal in the road. Now even though it was dead, I avoided it...the car behind me didn't even try. It just ran right over the dead animals body.

Do you think it even crossed their mind that the animal was once alive...and even if it is dead, you shouldn't just run it over more? How would they feel if the day that person died, we just left their body out in the street to get run over?

Would we think it's cruel? Probably.
Would we more than likely pull a human body out of the street, even if dead? Probably.
So why don't we do the same for animals? How come not everyone watches out for the dead bodies in the road?

Do we really feel so much greater than 'that squirrel in the road'?
If you, I, we, whoever does...that isn't right. Everything has a right to life...and even after life, respect.

What makes us so different that we should be treated so much higher than any other animal walking this earth?
We have more intelligence? Sure...some could say that.
Is it proven? Probably.
Does that make us better? Definitely not.
Not when you see what we've done with this "intelligence." We've spawned wars, weapons, weapons of mass destruction, etc.
We WILL be our own races(and OTHERS) demise. It's quite unfortunate it's come to that. Any day, the human race can just wipe itself, and everything else for that matter, off the fact of the earth.


And what will it take for us to realize that? 
Well, I'm sure there are a LARGE number of us that realize that already...but we can only do so much.
So what it comes down to is that EVERYONE will realize that truth ONLY as it's happening.
So much for being intelligent. Ha.

What is this(these) strange obstacle(s) I've come to?

A little bit of confusion in my life right now as far as what I want to do....

I enjoy photography, I really do. I love being able to go outside and look at the things around me and capture the beauty of the moment. Or going to a concert/show and taking pictures(when I'm able to) of the band, rocking out and enjoying the music, hopefully capturing that one intense moment that many could miss.  I've even had experience with wedding photography, though I do feel it can be very intense because you have to keep in mind that the pictures you take are the memories people will have for(possibly) the rest of their lives.
But my  biggest problem with photography is that I don't feel like I'm at a point where I could make a living off of it, and even if I did feel I was at that point, I do not have a 'starting point'. I don't know where to go or how to get anything started for that matter.

Now, I also really enjoy music and something I've always wanted to do was to learn to play guitar or drums and participate in a band. I've been told I have a voice for singing but I don't know how I'd fare doing lyrics or coming up with songs. I would just really like to be able to write and play/sing a song that people would know and love.  After seeing so many performances and even being friends with people in bands, I do get slightly jealous that that isn't a life I can seem to experience.  Seems like the closest I will get is playing Rock Band with my friends and playing to a virtual audience...hm.

I'm just tired of living the same '9 to 5' life: wake up, go to work, do the job I can't seem to do, go home, and then do nothing...play video games, talk to people online, or maybe upload some picture(which I need to do more often AND TONIGHT!).  So I've tried to take the initiative and get my ass out into the world and do things! And that started Tuesday night...

I was aimlessly looking at things on facebook about a week ago and came across a 'suggestion' for an event and decided to click on it and see what it was about. 5 bands were going to be playing at The Lodge in Lisle on Tuesday. 12 dollar cover charge...not bad. So I told myself 'You're going...whether its alone or with other people, YOU. ARE. GOING.'  And so I did...all by myself.

And I'm extremely glad I did because that was music WELL WORTH 12 dollar cover. Reflective Me, The Ross Originals, Adora, The Graduate, and Automatic Loveletter. The first two bands were alright but did not get my attention like the last three. And all I can say about their songs/performances is WOW. I had never heard of any of these bands, but big bravo to them all.  I took a bunch of pictures of the bands(except Reflective Me because I was still getting out of my nervous shell) and I have to upload them to my other blog (VagrantEye Photography) so I can hopefully get that blog up and running too. So much to do. BLEH! And yes, the reference to my other blog is in hopes that you will follow it as well. It may not be much right now, but I PROMISE I will work on it and get my photography up there.
Anyway, I think this is all I have to say for now...
I just need to figure things out cause, honestly, I'm getting tired of this 9-to-5....
or maybe it's just the place I work...who knows.

That One "L" Word

I'm not exactly sure what spawned the thought/question in my mind today, but I couldn't help but wonder about the word and idea of love.
Maybe it's been the movies, anime, and music I've been listening to lately...but I just wonder what it means to people.  It seems like its meaning has diminished to almost nothing, being used so commonly for any every day use.  And I won't lie, I'm guilty of doing it myself...
But I'm planning on changing that up, being careful with my use of such word.

What does this word mean though?
A quick look on dictionary.com gives a LOT of meanings.
Which do you take it as?

Do you love your friends? Do you love your family? Do you love your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife?
When you say you love, whoever it may be, does that meaning of love change at all?
My understanding of 'love,' and this only pertains to myself, is to have deep feelings/emotions for some thing/person, enough to a point that you'd put yourself on the line for it.

Gah, I've drawn a blank...
Everything I wanted to write earlier has just not stayed in my mind.
Slightly upsetting.
Oh well...

Just Remember the Mayonnaise Jar

So I got an email the other day from a friend...
At first glance it looked just like any other chain letter, especially since this person never sends me emails, but something got the better of me and told me to just read it...
so I did. This is what it was:
----------------------------------------
'The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is not enough;remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy classand had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jarand start to fill it with golf balls.He then asked the students if the jar was full.They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and pouredit into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes.' The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the tableand poured the entire contents into the jar, effectivelyfilling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed.
'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - God, family,children, health, friends, and favorite passions, things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,You will never have room for the things that are
important to you. So... Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the dripping tap.' 'Take care of the golf balls first -- The things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.' One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked'. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

Please share this with other "Golf Balls"
--END EMAIL--
----------------------------------------

It's a really interesting look at life when you think about it, and it really does make sense.
I really think there are too many of us today that fill our jars with too much sand and we never find the time/space for the golf balls/pebbles. And that, in my opinion, causes us too much stress as we worry to much about the small things in life and regret to enjoy the things we want to. But sometimes I guess it can't be helped, especially in the type of world we live in now...where everything seems like it's slowing falling apart around us.
As for myself, I am worrying too much about the small things...my small things being my debt. But it's just something I want gone. Once it is, there will be a ridiculously LARGE amount of weight lifted off my shoulders.
I just wish I could have listened to my own advice I give to people when it comes to credit...
'Only spend what you have available to you in cash so you can pay it off.'
The idea makes total sense...You build credit, don't accrue interest, and don't have anything extra to pay back...
But come on, you know at first it never works out that way. Most people in life don't learn lessons until they learn it the hard way.
And I found that out the HARD way, but now I'm cleaning up that whole credit debt mess. Sometimes I still finding my 'bad side' getting the best of me and being like "Well, it's only like $15....no biggie to put on that credit card." But when I continually let it happen, it builds up...QUICK. Though, I am getting much better at resisting purchases. So kudos to me on that. Now it's just a matter of patience and perseverance...all things come to an end eventually, as I'm hoping will happen with my debt.

On a last note, back to the email, I really enjoy the closing statement:
The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked'. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

It's a very true statement, and I think for a long time I was always to oblivious to that fact and I've probably lost some meaningful friendships from that...some I probably can't get back no matter how hard I try. But I still find myself crawling back to try to dig up some past relationships and see if I can maybe re-spark that fire we had. I'm in need of more/new friends.
Let's see how that works out for me.
So just remember, take some time, even just two minutes, out of your day to get in touch with friends, new or old.

On another note for today

It's been brought to my attention that today is National Coming Out Day (NCOD).
For those of you who don't know what NCOD is :

'National Coming Out Day (NCOD) is an internationally observed civil awareness day for coming out and discussion about gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual and transgender (LGBT) issues. It is observed by members of the LGBT communities and their supporters (often referred to as "allies") on October 11 every year, or October 12 in the United Kingdom.'
(Thank you Wikipedia)

I'm a strong supporter of LGBT and have many friends who are one of the group, so I am totally for this holiday. Now I've also seen people take it a different way as far as the 'coming out' goes and have used it as a means to 'come out' with something they might have been afraid to have before(example being an old friend from high school Kaitlin, who I highly admire for doing so).
So the thought of doing the same thing crossed my mind earlier but... I'm having a hard time coming up with something to come out about.
All I could really come up with would be to maybe come out with things people might not have realized about myself...and with that, here are some things you might not know/realize about me:

I have a stuttering problem. I always have and probably always will. When I was younger, and even through high school, was asked to read something outloud, I would stutter all the time. I always dreaded reading outloud because it would take me longer than others to read because I'd get caught up all over the place on words. Now even to this day I find myself stuttering on words, typically words that start with vowels. I've managed to find a way to get around that (adding silent letters to the beginning of such words) so that I can not get so caught up. It will still catch me off guard here or there, but this is life. You deal with it and move on.

I am ridiculously shy and actually quite nervous. Anyone who knew me in high school probably knew me as an obnoxious, loud mouthed, (probably) annoying kid. Now that I look back on it, I am pretty sure I just did a lot of that for attention because when I look at myself in the mirror today, things are rather different. I have an incredibly difficult time talking to people I don't know and I tend to be cautious on the things I say or do because I'm afraid of how someone might just judge myself and the things I say/do. And that's probably my biggest fear...that someone will look at me and be like "Who the hell is this idiot?". Now, once I reach a comfort point with you, I can let loose...a lot, but till then, I will be very awkward. And this one really sucks because I enjoy doing photography and I really would like to try doing some model photography...but how do you do a job where you pretty much work with people you dont know(at first)? How am I suppose to interact with someone, give them direction, and pretty much talk to them to understand them? I'll figure it out...eventually.

Lastly...
I have feelings and I do feel....a lot.
I may have given myself this reputation in high school of being like so carefree and ...god, I don't know...easily put, I probably just used a lot of girls for 'fun.' I look back now and look down on myself for that. All my life I have cared, so much, about so many things...I was just never good at displaying/espressing my emotions. Maybe that's taken a toll on me over the years as now I am more emtional, especially about love...something I may have taken for granted in my younger years. Now, I had my fair share of being used but to say that me 'returning the favor' is fair...well, it just really isn't. It wasn't fair to either recieving end and I wish I could go back and take back all the things I did and the possible pain I caused. But no such thing can be done and, once again, its life. We deal with it and move on. Hopefully someone can look past the things I did in the past and see what I'm good for now. I have a heart full of love to give and share, I just need someone to reach out and take it. It might be heavily scarred and possibly broken a bit, but it still ticks strong.

"I'm not in it to win it, I'm in it for you.'