Monday, October 11, 2010

On another note for today

It's been brought to my attention that today is National Coming Out Day (NCOD).
For those of you who don't know what NCOD is :

'National Coming Out Day (NCOD) is an internationally observed civil awareness day for coming out and discussion about gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual and transgender (LGBT) issues. It is observed by members of the LGBT communities and their supporters (often referred to as "allies") on October 11 every year, or October 12 in the United Kingdom.'
(Thank you Wikipedia)

I'm a strong supporter of LGBT and have many friends who are one of the group, so I am totally for this holiday. Now I've also seen people take it a different way as far as the 'coming out' goes and have used it as a means to 'come out' with something they might have been afraid to have before(example being an old friend from high school Kaitlin, who I highly admire for doing so).
So the thought of doing the same thing crossed my mind earlier but... I'm having a hard time coming up with something to come out about.
All I could really come up with would be to maybe come out with things people might not have realized about myself...and with that, here are some things you might not know/realize about me:

I have a stuttering problem. I always have and probably always will. When I was younger, and even through high school, was asked to read something outloud, I would stutter all the time. I always dreaded reading outloud because it would take me longer than others to read because I'd get caught up all over the place on words. Now even to this day I find myself stuttering on words, typically words that start with vowels. I've managed to find a way to get around that (adding silent letters to the beginning of such words) so that I can not get so caught up. It will still catch me off guard here or there, but this is life. You deal with it and move on.

I am ridiculously shy and actually quite nervous. Anyone who knew me in high school probably knew me as an obnoxious, loud mouthed, (probably) annoying kid. Now that I look back on it, I am pretty sure I just did a lot of that for attention because when I look at myself in the mirror today, things are rather different. I have an incredibly difficult time talking to people I don't know and I tend to be cautious on the things I say or do because I'm afraid of how someone might just judge myself and the things I say/do. And that's probably my biggest fear...that someone will look at me and be like "Who the hell is this idiot?". Now, once I reach a comfort point with you, I can let loose...a lot, but till then, I will be very awkward. And this one really sucks because I enjoy doing photography and I really would like to try doing some model photography...but how do you do a job where you pretty much work with people you dont know(at first)? How am I suppose to interact with someone, give them direction, and pretty much talk to them to understand them? I'll figure it out...eventually.

I have feelings and I do feel....a lot.
I may have given myself this reputation in high school of being like so carefree and ...god, I don't know...easily put, I probably just used a lot of girls for 'fun.' I look back now and look down on myself for that. All my life I have cared, so much, about so many things...I was just never good at displaying/espressing my emotions. Maybe that's taken a toll on me over the years as now I am more emtional, especially about love...something I may have taken for granted in my younger years. Now, I had my fair share of being used but to say that me 'returning the favor' is fair...well, it just really isn't. It wasn't fair to either recieving end and I wish I could go back and take back all the things I did and the possible pain I caused. But no such thing can be done and, once again, its life. We deal with it and move on. Hopefully someone can look past the things I did in the past and see what I'm good for now. I have a heart full of love to give and share, I just need someone to reach out and take it. It might be heavily scarred and possibly broken a bit, but it still ticks strong.

"I'm not in it to win it, I'm in it for you.'

1 comment:

  1. We all make mistakes, but that is how we learn and become better people. Regardless of what anyone says, you're a good guy and always have been!